I am a mess. I can't sleep but I am so tired. I just want to eat. I want to dream about food. I want to find the perfect outfit that will make me over. I want to be someone new. Or, I want to really be myself. That would be new.
There are so many things I want to do with myself and with my life and I can't because I don't have that much time AND I really do want to spend time with my girls and meet their needs.
Matt has always been annoyed because I make lists and plan and organize things. So, I quit. Now look where I am! Yes, I have gained a greater ability to go with the flow which is good, BUT I am getting nowhere, accomplishing nothing, and I am so depressed. I can't think straight to sort it all out but I can't bear to write it out.
Tonight I am remembering being in therapy and Matt saying how I write these huge lists and get so overwhelmed etc. BUT I just realized that it isn't me that gets overwhelmed by the list. It is Matt! I am fine seeing that I have accomplished a few or many things - knowing that I have things prioritized I am ok with knowing I can't do everything in one day. Sometimes I just need a plan - a direction to keep me focused and moving. I need goals and that does not make me crazy!!!!!
I need to take better care of me. I need to be a better friend so I can have friends. I need to get myself focused and stop wasting so much time.
I want to love and be loved. I am not willing to lose myself in it anymore.
I want my needs to be met too. I want balance, give and take. Unity.
I really want to go to sleep now!
B
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