Pride and Willingness
a Primary Story
When I was called to be 1st counselor in Primary last summer I was given the job to finish writing the primary program then to get it approved and performed all in just a few short weeks. Thankfully, the previous counselor had already started it and I just had to follow her lead. In the end it all came off well and fine.
The experience left me excited and inspired to write the program for this year. When we got the 2010 books at the end of December I began immediately to read, listen to and play the music, and ponder the themes. As we started into the year I would sit and listen to the children's talks, sharing times and the music, Just letting myself feel the spirit and the truth and meaning in it all.
Slowly the program began to take shape on paper.
Thoughts I had, as I gathered words and information together, were these:
- Yes,the kids are cute BUT I want the audience to walk away feeling the spirit and being well taught in basic truths.
- I wanted to get away from the usual ideas of "family home evening groups" and "lets list off the monthly themes".
- The children have their own beautiful way of saying things and I wanted to use their words where possible rather than the cold factual statements from the book.
- Finally, knowing the power of music, I wanted the music to reflect the spoken word, and the spoken word to be a natural lead in to the music.
As summer quickly approached I began to feel an urgency to get the program written completely. I knew that the distractions of my pregnancy and having the girls at home would get in the way so I pushed ahead fastidiously.
By the time we left on vacation I had only to sort out who should have which part, get it printed and meet with the rest of the presidency to discuss it.
Well, the Sunday before we left I was released.
Besides the fact that I really enjoyed my calling in Primary, my heart felt broken because of the hard work I had just finished.
I took time over vacation to tweak the program and make sure it was really ready.
Then, I handed it all over.
That was July. So roughly 2 months have passed and I have gradually let myself feel a sense of relief in not having that responsibility on my shoulders.
Today we sat in and watched their final practice (just in case we are not around next week to see the real thing).
Immediately I was crushed. They completely changed the introduction which was meant to be simple but dramatic - to declare in completely un-mistakable terms "I believe in Christ".... as it went on I rode a roller coaster of delight when children stood and bore their testimonies, or used statements taken from things they had actually said in sharing time or their own talks! Or, when the carefully selected words flowed beautifully into the music. - But then there would be another instance where the scripture was read - and someone would say "in July we learned..." completely distracting from the meaning of the scripture and interrupting it's ability to be linked to the children's statements.
And then again, the conclusion, bland and dry, lost the meaning that had originally been intended.
The hardest part, was that the 1st thing that came to me through the spirit as I wrote and prepared, was the conclusion. I thought it was weird that the conclusion would come to my mind first. But, I know soundly that it came as a prompting of the spirit and became a foundation for the rest of the program.
I wish that I had been given the opportunity to explain that to them. I wish that somehow they could have felt what I felt when I wrote it.
As I go forward with this sense of disappointment - I also know that it really is ok. My work and my own sense of pride are not what's at stake here. What matters is the children. What matters is that they have the opportunity to stand and speak and be a part of something bigger than themselves. What matters is not the words that are spoken or how they are spoken but - the music that is sung and the power and spirit that are a byproduct and amazing gift of music.
I also know, that those watching next week, will not walk away saying Oh that was bland and dry. NO those are the thoughts of a controlling and critical person who is grieving a small loss. They will still feel the spirit, they will still thoroughly enjoy the primary program that they are used to.
Serving in the church, in this church, is a very different experience. We are not called to a calling because we will necessarily be good at it - but because we are needed - and often because the Lord knows that WE need it. When we are released it is the same, it is not because we have reached the top and can not excel any further, it is not because we are not doing it well, it is just because we are needed elsewhere, or someone else is needing it more than we are.
I trust Heavenly Father. This is just another one of those things that I have to learn... learning to let go, learning that I can't have control over everything, that even though this program was my baby, it truly is NOT about me.
Today I growl inside a little, tomorrow I will find more willingness and I will move on to celebrate all of the sweet little successes that the primary program brings.
It hurts my feelings and it hurts my pride.
None of it was intentional.
It just was.
I choose to forgive, to move on, to enjoy it.
None of it was intentional.
It just was.
I choose to forgive, to move on, to enjoy it.
I know that my Savior lives. I know that he loves me. I know that he knows me. I feel Him in my life. That is all that matters.
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