Tiger Mother or Angry Mother Bear

All of my life I have had a vision of myself as a mother.  How I would act, how things would be,what I would say and do.  Before I had children I would think of lists of things I wanted to show my children about the world, the things I would teach them, things that I could not forget.

I always thought that I would have a look, a look that said "one more word out of you and you are mince meat". Or a motion of the hand that is like a symbol for cutting off the head - that when I use it on my kids they know I mean business and "cut it out:".

In book club we read Tiger Mother.  Most of it made me cringe.

I had deep seated dreams of home schooling my children, never serving baby food from a jar, and having spiritual devotionals every day, at one time the perfectionist in me reigned supreme in my mothering dream. BUT,  I just don't identify with her level of intensity, nNot about playing the violin or getting into Julliard or about being successful or essentially perfect.

It's funny how life has a way of teaching us, a way of helping us to find out who we really are.

7 years of childless marriage.  I worked.  He worked.  We hung out and watched t.v. and bought a house.  I nannied and that filled the void, for a while.  Then finally the baby came.  But, not only did the baby come, but a massive explosion came in the form of a bomb dropped right smack in the middle of my world, in the middle of my plan and my family.

In just a few moments my world turned inside out and upside down and everything that I thought I was and that I wanted for myself and my baby and my family vanished.  In a moment I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know if I could be a mother anymore.  If I could, if I tried, I knew I could never be everything that I thought I would be.  From the moment of impact, I was never the same again.

Before the bomb would I have ever let my child have a dirty face? Probably not.  Would the old me, take the babies shirt off, use it to wipe the babies face, then let the baby continue to eat naked?  Definately not.  In fact when the said shirt wiping experience was happening, my friend Tanda was in utter shock and disbelief at the behavior of an obviously demon possessed Becca.

As much as I hate the bomb for what it did to my world, it gave me the opportunity to let go.  
Letting go is not a thing that comes easy.  But, in my broken state, emotionally drained, and physically sick with anger and adrenaline, life became a one step at a time process of getting by, and letting go of anything and everything that was extra.

Perfectionism, dreams, planning, keeping up appearances, fussing over details, accomplishments, weekends, etc.

During the last 8 years I have struggled to find my footing as a mother.  I realize this is not unusual because becoming a mother, (regardless of planning, preparation, instinct and training) is a foreign land with a language, and customs and a rule book that are all crazy and completely unintelligible!  But even still, it has seemed at times to be so much harder than it should have been.

So, when I read books about parenting today I soak it up like a sponge, and I laugh a little too... knowing that   who I am as a mother and as a woman is not who I ever expected to be, AND IT'S OKAY!  I do things pretty different than a lot of people, different than the books, different than my mom did, different than my husband would do.  In fact sometimes when Matt watches me, he shakes his head, and has to leave the room.   Other times he just hugs me, and tells me that I am such a great mom.

So, I'm not a Tiger Mother.  Knock on wood, I haven't had an opportunity yet to be a Mother Bear.  Often I'm a mother hen, but ultimately I think I am a Cheetah Mother....

http://scienceray.com/biology/zoology/10-best-animal-mums/2/

and if you can hold out for one more post, I will tell you all of the crazy reasons why.  Don't worry, it's already written.  It will post in a few days so you can laugh at my goofiness! And maybe you can comment and tell me what kind of mom you think you are!